Caution

I was a fairly cautious man all my life. Where I say cautious, my friends and family disagreed and called me over-cautious, paranoid, hyper and the like. But for me it was always justified for I believed that one day the world would see that caution is the best weapon we have against the many dangers of the world. I knew, one day they would have to agree with me, so I never got mad at their jest. The other reason I never not get mad because I hardly ever got mad. That particular emotion of anger was, if possible, wholly lacking in me. It was a game to many people to get me mad in many ways, but they never quite succeeded. Nothing ever prompted me to react very violently. There was one thing though that no one knew, I was intensely in love with my wife, and if anything ever came upon her, I would not hesitate to act. Even though I had never thrown a punch in my life, for her, I could fight a war. And it was for her that I fought that day.

I am the kind of man you could pass by everyday and not notice. There are no remarkable features in me to make me stand out in a crowd. I have an average height, average built and an average complexion. A balding man of 55, and a ordinary pair of glasses that rest on my nose make me...well…quite ordinary. Though my wife often remarked that I have an exceptionally large nose, which is hooked, and kind of flattened at the edge like someone has punched it. She would laugh every time she made this observation, and I could never help but smile, even at the expense of being the object of her ridicule. She was like that, vivacious, a little mad and a lot of interesting and often confusing elements. These traits have made me fall so helplessly in love with her and even at this age, I feel the same warm glow towards her as I did in our early courting days. The vitality of life still shone bright in her 48 year old eyes, and even though her skin has started to wrinkle, her mind does not seem to have aged at all. She laughs and plays with her teenage daughters like she was the same age as them and even they, at an age when kids dread to be seen with parents, seem to adore her unconditionally. Yes, we made quite the pretty picture.

The story started when, after age,s we planned to take a trip together as a family. This time it would be our first ever trip abroad. We were all tremendously excited. Especially Manini and the kids. I of course had to look at the practical arrangements for the trip, Manini never seemed to have any patience with them beyond a point and often accused me to be too interested in the details of the vacation than the vacation itself. But she also admitted in one of her jovial moods that without me, these practical ends would probably never be met adequately. Her complaint had been far more severe in our younger years when she just wanted to lose her head and have a blast while I struggled to be us grounded. With time and age, we have both kind of gotten used to the others vagaries and have even often stepped into the other’s domain to give company. She too thus sat next to me while we began the extensive planning for our African Safari.

Now u must be wondering, having just described myself as cautious, why I would be undertaking this obviously dangerous journey? Well, I too thought the same when my brother first suggested it to me. He had just moved to Johannesburg and discovered that there was a very popular safari site close by and invited me with my family to join him. “Are you mad?” I remember telling him, “Into the jungle, with lions and whatnots, that too with two young kids??” “First of all, Kriti and Ahana are hardly kids anymore brother, one is 16 years old and one is crossing 13, they are teenagers now, and secondly, this trip is hardly dangerous and I would not be even suggesting it to you if it was. Do you think I would like to risk all of your lives just for a bit of fun?” Harish had reasoned. True, he did love the kids immensely and would not do anything to put them in jeopardy but I was not convinced. For months he harped on it and I slowly started to warm up to the idea. After all, all that was needed was a bit of caution that all, and Manini and the kids would go simply mad with joy. As their excited faces flashed before me, I made up my mind but asked Harish not to reveal anything to them until I could make sure we could go, I didn’t want to break their poor hearts.

“Manini, bring my tea please,” I said one June morning as I was halfway through my Sunday Times. She put the cup down on the table before me and sat looking at me. I am not very fond of dogs really, but Manini had a puppy-like way of getting my attention. She would just sit attentively before me gazing at me until I paid her attention. The analogy made me laugh a little I quickly hid it behind my paper. I folded it solemnly and asked her, “Is there something you want to say dear?” She took a deep breath and went off like a machine gun, “Well, the autumn break is coming on and this August, they really wanted to go someplace nice for a long holiday, you know how we have not been able to go anywhere because of their constant exams and this year we were wondering if we could go somewhere fun like…” I interrupted her and said, “I have already picked out a great place we can go this year, it is all half arranged.” Manini was stuck mid-sentence and I also heard to quiet little sighs of disappointment from behind the door. Daddy’s choice must be boring I’m sure they thought and urged to suppress a smile. Manini, offended at being interrupted and that I had made the decision without her suddenly got up in a huff and said, “Fine, if it is all decided then what do you need me for! You take the kids and go, I’m not going!” I had not planned for this and I quickly left my seat and followed her into the kitchen. “But..but…I said it’s half decided, how could I make a decision without you honey?” Two muffled giggles had followed us to the kitchen door and hid behind the curtain. Manini smiled slyly. “Check the tickets, if you don’t like the place I have picked, we can cancel!” I assured. “Tickets!! You already…” Before she could finish I gave her the envelope. “Plane? That’s great now I can’t even ask you to cancel!” “Come on, open it at least.” She checked the destination and stood there in wonder and her eyes began to grow wide. The kids having noticed the reaction came out of nowhere and pestered her, “Mum…mum….where is it? MUUUUM!!” Manini looked at me blankly and said, “Johannesburg….South Africa?” I silently nodded as smile revealed how much I was enjoying the reaction.  The kids stood looking from her face to mine and after a second pause they both broke out into a loud chorus saying, “We are going to Africaaaaa!!!” and rushed out of the room.

“Are you sure you have enough money? Do you really think you should be taking this trip at this age, you are so close to retiring?” She asked me later that night. “It’s ok, it’s just one trip, don’t worry about the money, I would not have agreed to it if it seemed too much, you know that?” She nodded absently and then suddenly turned off the bed lamp. “Hey! I was reading!” She carefully took off my glasses and said, “No more reading today.” She hugged me warmly and we cuddled in to sleep. Even after so many years, this is how we slept, it was like we had grown so used each others body that we found it difficult to sleep without finding the others’ warmth. Those rare occasions where we would have to spend the night apart, neither of us slept very well though she never admitted it. In the dull depths of sleep I heard a soft ‘love you’ and a gentle peck on my cheek and I knew at that moment of how complete my life was.

Soon the day arrived. Between the four of us, there were around 8 luggages. For a three-week vacation it might be a tad excess, but for all the things we had to carry, the load seemed only too likely. We had weighed and re-weighed the luggage to see whether they were within the permissible limit of 30 kg per person and were quite sure we had not crossed the limit. “Dad, why did we need to carry a mosquito-net? It’s so damn heavy!” Kriti said while adjusting the strap of her rucksack. “Because, there are mosquitoes in Africa!” I said simply. “And why are we carrying, pocket-knives, scissors, sleeping beds, sheets, and half the bedding dad, we are not going camping there, there will be proper cottages as uncle Harish said.” This time it was little Ahana. I patiently told her, “Honey, this is just in case the bedding that they give is not clean. You would not want to sleep on a dirty bed would you dear?” I ruffled her hair and continued along the airport while Kirti said under her breath. “I wouldn’t mind sleeping on a dirty bed.” Manini soon caught up with me and gave her own version of “Why this” and “Why that”. And I told her too that it was in case of emergencies. She too god pissed off and said, “I’ll have an emergency right now if I collapse under all this weight. Nonsense!” By the time the luggage had checked in and we had all found our seats, we had all quite forgot about the “excess baggage” and sat in eagerness for the flight to leave. Our first international flight!

“Oh God! You look exhausted!” Harish said when he came to pick us up at the O.R. Tambo International Airport. The 14 hour flight, with an hour stop at Dubai, had drained quite a bit of our excitement. “And what in God’s name is this?” he said when he saw all of wheeling trolleys full of luggage. “Did you think you are coming to some remote island or something where  you did not get anything?” “Emergency.” Kirti said grumpily as she got on to the car. Ahana followed sleepily and Manini though tired greeted Harish with a broad smile and said, ”Let’s go! We got some lions to see!” Harish laughed and said, “You would have to wait for daylight bhabhi,  with you around, they would be afraid to come out in the dark!” She gave him a friendly punch in the arm and got in the car after the kids. After putting the luggage away, Harish got behind the wheel and said, “It is a good thing I know you brother and hired a bigger car otherwise all of us and the luggage would not get home together tonight!” And we were off to our house for the next few days, not knowing this trip would be cut exceptionally short.  

The plan was to spend the first week in Harish’s house, the next one out at the National Park and the third one again recuperating before heading back home. That was the plan.

In the first week, Harish decided to take us around to see the local sites as we may not want to in our last week of stay. So out we went to an amusement park, the Gold Reef City where the kids, and I admit I too enjoyed immensely. The one and only amusement park we had back home has long fallen into neglect and the lack of upgrade or even upkeep, has made it far less popular than it was when we were kids. Then there were museums, malls and shopping centres and then came the zoo. “Why zoo? We are going to see the real thing next week.” Ahana asked. I replied, “Listen, there are no guarantees in safaris, here you will surely get to see animals and it is so much safer.”

The day was pleasantly spent and on our way back Manini suddenly reprimanded me. “Stop scratching like a baboon”, she said sternly. I checked myself apologetically but something seemed to itch at the very centre of my back and I just could not reach it. The ride back seemed unusually long and I felt I just could not keep my eyes open and my lids heavily drooped over my eyes. When the opened I heard faint mention of the words, “rhino”, “lion”, and some other animal I could not place. My mind seemed to be moving in slow motion and the objects that floated in front of my eyes seemed vague and unfocussed. Suddenly, Manini’s face came in clear focus and I saw a look of deep concern on her face. She asked, “Are you feeling okay, dear?” and gently placed her palm on my forehead and immediately leaped. “Oh God! You are burning up!” there was panic in her voice as she ran to the other room to call Harish. “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” I tried to say but nothing except a gurgling sound escaped my mouth. My head was burning but my body felt cold, I tried to remember how I got from the car to bed, but my mind refused to budge. I looked at the direction where Manini went and saw two hazy images hurrying towards me. Then blank.

A distant beep, an electronic voice, a metallic squeak and a gentle sob were the first things I heard again. The deep black darkness was beginning to become lighter and lighter. I opened my eyes heavily, and still saw blurry images, as if I was viewing the world through thick, frosty glasses, I look to my left and I see a lone figure sitting and sobbing. I knew in my heart it was Manini, I did not need to see her. I tried calling out but again nothing but a painful breath escaped my lips but that was enough to rouse her. She came running beside me and placed a death cold hand on my forehead and I immediately recoiled. She quickly removed her hands apologetically and I kicked myself for reacting, how good her hands felt on me. I don’t know why an overwhelming emotion swelled in me, and I felt my warm tears streaking across my cheek and onto the pillow. “Don’t cry dear, everything will be fine, the doc…the doctors say you will be fine,” Manini said trying to convince me. I too wanted to believe, desperately, but something deep within me said, ‘It was all over.’

More electronic voices, bit different from before. A lot more footsteps around me, a lot many people. And something else was different. I was moving. I opened my eyes again, has the vision cleared a little? Airport. This time it was Ahana looking at me, trying to look brave. “We are going home daddy! The docs said you can go home. All you need is rest.” I smiled at her terrible attempt of a lie. But did she see the smile, there was no difference in her expression. She looked almost scared. It suddenly occurred to me I don’t remember having moved at all since I got sick. I am paralysed. The images became blurry again. Darkness. Deep Darkness. No sound, no whisper, no visions, absolute blank. Then again from very far away I hear murmurings as if spoken by ants, so soft and indistinct. The words “I’m Sorry!” suddenly hit my ears like a hammer and filled me with terror. Could not quite figure out why I was so scared of the phrase. It was a fairly harmless phrase. No. It was not the phrase, it was the way it was said. The way…the way doctors proclaim the dead. I screamed in my head “BUT IM ALIVE. IM JUST PARALYSED YOU IDIOT!CHECK MY HEART!CHECK MY HEART!” But no one heard it. I blacked out again.

Me and Manini were both young then. I heard Manini said as she lay in my arms, “I wish we were Christians!” “Why would you wish that?” I asked. “Well they have the best of everything! They have the most wonderful weddings, those lovely gowns. And even after death they can visit their loved ones grave and talk for hours, place flowers, its like they are always there!” “But we can also talk to photographs if we want.” “Nyaa…it is just not the same. When I die I want you to bury me and I want you to come visit me every day! Promise?” “Shut up! Don’t say things like that.” “No, I want you to promise, you won’t miss me when I’m gone?” she pouted as she often does. “Of course I will, why would you even ask something like that?” “Then Promise!” “Okay, but you too have to promise that you will bury me and come visit me at least sometimes, I know you wont remember me!” I joked. “Shut up! I’ll come every day, I promise!”

That deathly silence has covered me once more. The electronic sounds, the quiet sobs, all have disappeared. Nothing but silence. Then a curious sensation took over my body. It felt as if thousands of pins were pricking my body or a thousands of ants were picking at my flesh. At first I was confused by this vaguely familiar sensation but could not quite figure it out then it hit me. It the sensations one gets after the blood starts flowing to areas where it had earlier gone numb. Pins and needles. You usually get it in your hands or legs if you keep them in one position for too long. Its rare to have it across your entire body. Though my eyes were still closed all kinds of sensations were coming back to me stronger than ever. That dull numbness of my mind had magically cleared away, and I slowly began to move my fingers and toes. I felt a leap of joy in my heart as I have never felt before. I was confident that if I opened my eyes I would be able to see absolutely clearly as well. With wild wave of hope I opened my eyes-darkness. The height of hope crashed to the depths of despair! Then I reasoned, maybe it is night time and they have turned off the lights and the sounds, maybe everyone is asleep. Yes, the entire hospital is asleep, as if that is likely! Yet I needed hope desperately. I told myself all I needed to do is reach out to the bed switch and call the nurse, ask her to tell my family, ‘I’m Alive!’ I tried to stretch out my hand and banged it against something hard. The blow to the elbow sent a shock of current up my arm. I tried to stretch my other hand, Bam! Same outcome. I lift my leg and my knees are blocked and the same thing happens when I try to lift my head. The sudden realization drives me to the verge of panic. I throw my hands and legs in wild terror, bruising myself more and more, but I did not care! There is rarely any other terrifying thought in the world than the knowledge that you have been buried alive!

After the initial panic abated slightly, I tried to use logic. I tried to push the lid up; I banged and screamed against the cold hard wood, and had finally, after what I presumed to be an hour, I came to rest, exhausted. I had no way of knowing how much time had passed and how long I would be able to survive in this confined space. And I slowly found myself drifting into a tired sleep.

This time I was making my funeral plans. I placed an old tattered book in Manini’s hands and said, “I want to be buried with this!” Manini smiled in amusement and asked, “What is this?” “Well it is the diary I used keep as a child. Many unimportant, childish things are recorded here which seemed so important back then. You could say that this contains the innocence of my childhood.” Manini pulled my nose hard and said, “But you are still innocent dear, you don’t need that!” “Not as much as I was as a kid! Please, this is my wish. Promise?” “Promise!”

Again I started awaking to the absolute blackness of the coffin. Now there was no fear, no terror, just a quiet feeling of surrender. I knew it was just a matter of time. I felt around me for that little diary in the darkness. Could not find it, she must have forgotten. Odd disease she had of the memory, she could hardly remember anything! Anyways it hardly mattered anyway, not like I could read in this devilish darkness. Should have asked for a torch as well I thought and laughed despite the morbid circumstances.

While I waited for the inevitable, I tried to analyse the circumstances which led to this disaster. All those precautions and here I lay in my coffin even before the real adventure began! I tried to piece together the jigsaw puzzle in my mind which had floated about in the dull sickness of my mind. There was an insect bite which was found at the very centre of my back, the spot I could not reach. They could not trace the origin of the insect as there still lay thousands of unidentified creatures in the wild especially in the wild. I could even recall the faint voice of Harish rationalizing that the bug could have hitched a ride with the newest member of the zoo- an adult African elephant which had been brought from the wild just the previous day. It also occurred to me that since I insisted that we be the first people to arrive there perhaps I was the first man the bug could get close to. But it was all chance. I could be the last person and the bug could have still bitten me. Chance. There was no precaution against the sadistic work of chance.

With every breath I could feel that there was lesser and lesser oxygen entering my body. My head felt dizzy and my body felt sore laying in the same position for so long. I tried to move about but the space hardly offered much room for movement. I could feel a thick blanket of numbness covering my back, behind and legs. This time, it would be permanent. I was drifting off to another sleep, perhaps my final when I heard footsteps coming to a stop just above me. There were few muffled words, maybe there was a sorry there, could not tell, but it was definitely Manini. Then, after a few more muffled words, a heart-wrenching cry and a dull thud. She must have fallen on her knees. And the bitter crying continued. By now all my strength had left me and I wished she would just leave and let me die in peace. But as the crying continued, instead of feeling weaker I started to feel the tiniest bits of strength coming back to my limbs. There was a wild desperation in my heart to go up to her, hold her, console her. I wanted to live; I wanted to be with her for as long as God would permit. It does not end here, not like this! With every bit of energy left in my body I screamed. Screamed long and hard. And I thought I heard the sobbing stop. Could she hear me? Or was she going away? I banged and pounded the coffin lid with my hands, legs, and even banged my head against it to make the maximum possible noise. I laughed, I screamed and finally I broke down crying. I cried like I have never cried in all my adult life. I could no longer hear any sound outside, if only I had started earlier, she has left, gone forever. I howled and howled for what seemed like hours then sleep, peaceful eternal sleep.

“Get some more men down here!!” a brutish man was calling out, then an ear splitting noise of splintering wood, so close that it shook my entire body and my ears started to ring. Then suddenly without notice, light! Blinding light! And voices. So many voices that I could not distinguish one from the other. Then another delightful sensation-fresh air! I breathed deeply and sweet scent of life as far as my lungs would allow. I do not remember what my first breath felt like, no one does, but I am sure this felt exactly as exhilarating as this! And the only words that were splashed across my consciousness in bold red letters were, “I am Alive!

The recovery did not take more than an hour. Just an extra doze of oxygen, and the little time for the haze to clear. Then came the constant stream of people who came to see the ‘return of the dead man!’ They said I was under there for close to 24 hours. They said ‘It was a miracle I was alive.’ Harish looked haggard but happy. He had not shaved in days it seemed which gave him the perfect ‘in mourning’ look. It was he who told me sometime in the afternoon. “Bhabhi ji  kept insisting that we open up your coffin to put in some book or diary or I don’t know what! Anyways people were against the burial, they wanted to cremate you as per Hindu tradition, and they would not hear of reopening the coffin. She went around like a mad-woman and kept saying ‘How could I forget? How could I forget?’ People were beginning to think she was losing her mind. Then at night she sneaked off to your grave and came back frantic saying that your soul was in unrest and she must put the diary in the grave! Seeing her fragile condition we finally agreed then Lo and behold! There you are blinking into the light like waking up from every day sleep! You rascal!” Harish punched me and laughed a laugh of the greatest relief.

At the dinner table, the Kirti and Ahana were unusually talkative. They could not decide what to say and what not to say to the father who had returned from the grave. I guess my one day absence made them realise that there were so many things that they could have told me but didn’t. Death often does that, it often makes their loved ones feel there was so many things that were left unsaid, but few get to rectify it. Manini however remained quiet for most part of the dinner and when their enthusiasm was dragging the hour past midnight she quietly said, “That’s enough kids, time to go to bed.”

I saw Manini go about her usual before bedtime routines, washing her face, combing her hair, tying it in a long plait. Then she would put some of that lovely lotion, the smell of which I love. But as I saw her it saddened me to see that she had seemed to age drastically in a few days, the wrinkles had become deeper, the eyes had become duller, the grey hairs seemed rough and uncared for. What grief can do to a woman! She quietly came to bed and slept facing away from me, on the other side of the bed. I felt a pang of hurt and anger. “Great!” I said sarcastically. No answer. I too turned away from her and tried to sleep but just could not and felt a terrible unrest. I quickly turned and hugged her and said, “I can’t sleep without you!” That did it. She broke down and said, “I have not slept for days but I am afraid to hold you, what if you leave again.” And she kept on crying. I slowly turned her towards me and said, “I would rather be buried alive!” She looked at me with tear-filled eyes and just like that the twinkle came back and she said, “Very Funny!” and buried her head in my chest. For years after that we slept soundly, holding each other in our arms.